23rd August 2007
Time: 11.01pm
Venue: Living Room
Dear diary,
I found Mum's photo a few hours ago while I was searching for my lecture notes in my drawer. It was a photo of Mum when she was 19 years old. She had long hair and wore a thick spectacle - even thicker than mine.
I always chuckle to myself whenever I reminisce the pleasant moments I had with her before she separated from Dad. When I was three, my hobby was to collect grasshoppers at the field located behind our flat. Dad would craft the net, while Mum accompanied me there.
It was fun. Mum preferred to stay away from the grass. She told me she was allergic to it. She was more of a stay-home Mum who shunned nature. I remembered how she would bring along a huge umbrella down to the field. She hated the sun.
And so do I, now. Colonies of pimples are mushrooming all over my face and body. The doctor told me it is a side effect of taking the drugs. I tend to avoid the sun now. I am fearful that my skin condition will deteriorate due to an overproduction of sebum. It creates a negative externality to my self-esteem.
I look and feel like an alien now. I think I am evolving into an extra-terrestrial creature. I no longer look forward to attending school. I want to go home the second I step into the school foyer.
Perhaps, that was why ET wanted to go home so badly...
Time now: 11.20pm
[To be continued..]
Dear Diary (Part 4)
Dear Diary (Part 3)
19th August 2007
Time: 3.45pm
Venue: Bedroom
Dear diary..
I am sorry I didn't talk to you the last few days. I have been struggling to complete my tutorials on time. There is just too much work to do - Maths, Chemistry, Physics and many more. Project Work is like a spell from hell. My face is going through an ugly transformation as eye bags and dry lips begin to appear.
Sometimes I wonder why I chose to further my studies in a Junior College. I am definitely not enjoying life here as a TPJCian. Yes, I love my teachers and friends but homework keeps piling up on my desk. It is giving me a lot of stress. It is a hectic lifestyle. I wonder how long my ailing body can take it.
I need Daddy. Daddy is separated from Mum. They have divorced. Grandma said they had a huge quarrel when I was five years old. At that time, I knew nothing about what was going on. I always remember Daddy as a funny person. He is a good impersonator. Ever since he left, my life has been missing something - humour.
They say laughter is the best medicine. Perhaps Daddy is the only cure to whatever illness I am suffering right now. My condition is deteriorating. My hair is getting bald. Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I will have to collect a few strands of my hair from my pillow before throwing them in a trash bin.
I need a hero to save me. I need Superman. I need Spiderman. Where are they when we need them the most? It is different in the movies...
Very different.
Time now: 3.58pm
[To be continued..]
Dear Diary (Part 2)
16th August 2007
Time: 11.07pm
Venue: Living Room
Dear Diary..
Today was a very embarrassing day for me. A bad day for me. My civics class had PE today. We played a game of soccer. Soccer is popular in school. Adam can play it. Ahmad can play well too. All my friends can. Except me.
Mr Alex set up the cones. Before it even began, he went toward me and advised to rest (again). I had a medical certificate which excuses from all PE lessons in college. I cannot walk or even jog for more than 3-4 minutes. I am too weak. My legs can't take it. Nevertheless today, I just felt like playing. I ignored Mr Alex's advice and joined my classmates. I really want to play soccer in the field. Really...
For 3 years, this stupid disease in me has caused me a lot of problems and hardships. I hate it. I despise it. It makes me look like a pariah. It makes me look like the lowest class of people in the eyes of God. Mr Alex has to leave for an urgent meeting. Therefore, I seized the opportunity to play soccer and prove to myself that I am not different everyone else.
That was the first time I actually walked on the field. I shouted at Adam, commanding him to pass the ball to me. He was shocked and stared at me. Then, he told me, "You can't do this". He refused to pass the ball to me. I was pissed off. I want to play too. I want to be like the other students here. I want to run. I want to play. I want to be normal.
"Stop telling me what to do!" I suddenly shouted.
Seconds later, I fell. My legs could not take it anymore. I fell hard on the grass.
My friends rushed towards me. Everyone stopped playing.
Siti came and tried to help me up. I shrugged her off and I started to beat myself. I really don't know what came to my mind today, diary. Am i losing my sanity due to this disease that i have. Why me? Why me? WHY ME???!!!!
I was just angry that I failed (again).
I looked into the mirror just now. It was a reflection of a young miserable boy. A boy whose life hangs by the help and aid by his friends. A boy who can't survive on his own. I hate it. It looked like an ugly duckling. I almost felt like smashing the mirror. I hate the reflection. The reflection of me. Of myself.
Why is God so evil towards to me? iWhy does God make his creatures suffer like ths?
Time now: 11.22pm
[To be continued..]
Dear Diary (Part 1)
14th August 2007
Time: 6.15pm
Venue: My Room
Dear diary..
Why is it that God is so unfair to me?! Why is it that I am born like this?! Why can't I just be like my other friends?! Why can't I look or behave like the rest? Why? Why? I am such a useless person. A hopeless human being. Everywhere I go, people would stare at me. Do you think I like them gazing at me? I hate it when their eyes zoom into me. Some of them even chortled at me.
I feel so wretched. I am a failure to my family. I am a burden to my friends who have to take care of me every time. Why am I born to make them suffer like this? My life is like a heavy load which is tiresome to carry. I am a burden. A huge burden! An enormous burden! A sickening burden!
Every time when I lick a small portion of an ice-cream, I can't feel the sweetness. I feel nothing. Everything is tasteless to me. Two hours ago, I bought an ice-cream from 7 eleven. It looked appetizing. A chocolate ice-cream with almond toppings. I wanted to taste it. I yearned for a bite.
But I was disappointed again. I couldn't taste anything. Not even the cone of the ice-cream. Nothing! My taste buds have failed me. Not once, twice but many times. I envy the other kids. They smile whenever they are enjoying their ice-creams. But me? Everything is the same. Vegetables, rice, chocolates, peanuts, bread, beans, fish, chicken and ice-cream. All plain and bland.
I asked my mum when I reached home. Why am I different from everyone else? Why can't I taste anything? Or maybe why does everything taste the same? Mum said I was special. She said I would be OK soon. She said whatever happens, I am still a gift from God.
She lied to me! She always do! I had this 'thing' since I was 14 years old. I am 17 now. My taste buds have malfunctioned for the past 3 years. I am terrified. What is happening to me? Or why is this happening to me? Why does God choose me? Why not him or her? Or anyone else?! Those questions were bombarding my brain. I am depressed.
I am sorry I made some of your pages wet now, diary. I just couldn't hold back my tears. I am very jealous. Jealous with everyone around me. I can't hold a pen longer than 3 minutes. I am so weak. I am a weakling. Me and only me. And I get tired easily.
Pardon me if I smudge some of the ink on u. This pen I am using was given to me by Adam. He is my classmate. He gave it to me during birthday. I have to rest every 3 minutes of using it. It is a Pilot pen. Adam is really nice. He is my best friend. He is always there to protect me from the bullies.
Oh, you were also bought by Adam as a gift during my birthday. You came with the Pilot pen. He wrapped you in a newspaper. You look great and brand new. I love your green skin. My favourite colour is green.
Our class is 07S06. My form teacher is Mrs Lim. She teaches me Maths. She's a really nice teacher. She always gave me extra time to complete my test papers. So kind of her.
And one more thing - I am studying in Tampines Junior College. It's an old school. I will bring you to my school one day OK, diary?
OK..I have some homework to do now..I will update you tomorrow aites. Sleep tight.
Time now: 6.35pm
[to be continued..]